Focusing on Friendships
by Laura Matanah
The way that parent and child friendships interact over time fascinates me. Before the kids started preschool, we had a regular playgroup schedule, going to a different park or community center at the same time each day of the week. My children’s first independent friendships developed in preschool. There was an easy intimacy with other parents, and it felt as if Sarah and I knew at least half the people with kids the same age who lived on the south side of Minneapolis. I remember feeling that having children was a bit like starting college: everyone was diving in at the same time, looking to make friends.
When the kids started kindergarten, they went to the same school as many of their preschool friends. They made new friends, too, and so did we. Sarah and I were both still working part-time, and on alternate days each of us would pick them up after school and hang out at the school playground, chatting with the other parents who did the same. We lost touch with many of the folks whose kids were going to different schools, but we were still happy to see each other when we’d randomly meet at the grocery store. I didn’t think about friends much—they were ever-present.
During this period, we often visited with other parents when the kids had play dates. Then, around the time they started third grade, we weren’t at the playground so often, and play dates moved to a “drop-off” style. We found ourselves needing to make sure we still saw other adults. At the same time that we were coaching our kids to start calling their friends by themselves, we had to start doing the same thing!
Now that the kids are entering middle school, they (and we) are still friends with the same families we’ve been close to for a long time now. The children no longer all go to the same school. We—kids and adults—are all much busier with after-school activities and work. But we’re always glad to take the time and make the effort to get together. The kids often initiate getting together, and we arrange our own grown-up time. I wouldn’t have guessed that when I became a parent, my friendship development would mirror that of my children.
I recently had the pleasure of talking via email with one of my mom’s oldest friends, Colleen, whom I’ve always liked. She is battling cancer, but seeing her picture still made me smile. She sent me an elephant card—she’s always remembered my fondness of elephants—and there was something reassuring about that connection over time and physical distance. I was reminded that we matter in each others’ lives in ways we might not be able to predict.
I think of a Maya Angelou quote that Tajah remembered from a Kwanzaa celebration we attended in Madison, Wisconsin: “People may not remember what you say, and they may not remember what you do, but they will remember how you made them feel.” Colleen always made me feel that I was a valuable person, likely to do meaningful things. When I spend time with children, I notice the pleasure of giving children that same sense of being valuable.
The Kids and YA sections of Rainbow Rumpus focus on friendship this month, and I hope that each issue gives your children that same sense of being valued and of their actions being meaningful. As we celebrate Valentine’s Day this February, let’s remember our friends and families and the many ways we love each other into being.
