Making Mistakes
by Laura Matanah
When was the last time you made a mistake that mattered? There are so many places to make mistakes, and so many people and projects to make them with, that the possibilities are nearly endless. Yet most of the time, as adults, we’ve gotten pretty good at what we do. Whether it’s cleaning our kitchens, having fun with our kids, or interacting with our coworkers, we’ve figured out how to do it.
Every once in a while, though, we make a mistake that brings us up short. We miss important deadlines; we keep doing something we really intended to stop; we take a call on our cell phone while driving and find ourselves in an accident with the kids in the back seat. Then things get ugly. We avoid; we deny; we berate ourselves; we lash out at others (or sometimes, all of the above).
I just made a good-sized mistake, and it got me thinking about how I handle them. I generally start by feeling just awful about it. At times, I begin to obsess about my weaknesses. But as I found myself doing this, I stopped and thought, “Is this helpful?” I also thought, “Would I want my kids to react this way?” The answer was clearly no, so I started thinking about what I might want to do instead. Here’s my list:
- Forgive myself enough to see the mistake clearly. There’s a way in which the “obsessing” I described above helps me avoid examining the actual mistake I made. When I can settle myself enough to accept that I made the mistake, and realize that it’s not the end of the world, I start to see options for dealing with it.
- Notice what led to the mistake. In this case, it was acting too quickly about something that concerned me, and taking an action I later regretted. Making a mistake when acting in haste is a pattern for me, but I do find that noticing it helps me to make it less. I suspect that most of us have “mistake patterns,” and that developing compassion for ourselves and noticing our small steps forward is what helps over the long haul.
- Consider the best ways to move forward. Really serious mistakes are often multifaceted, and it’s helpful to think through possible repercussions and how to deal with them. Taking responsibility, accepting that mistakes are a part of life, and planning on how to change the conditions that lead to mistakes are generally key elements of moving forward.
I spent some time thinking about whether, as the executive director of an organization, I should publish something examining the ideas addressed by this column—that is, making mistakes. There’s a degree to which I believe in “putting one’s best foot forward” and showing one’s best side. On the other hand, I think an important measure of people, families, and organizations—heck, even countries—is how we handle mistakes. They really are opportunities to learn. When we create a climate that recognizes this and treats mistakes with “compassionate accountability” (which I would define as the ability to look a mistake in the eye and lovingly correct it), then we create the conditions in which we can learn and grow.
