Coming Out with Children: Thoughts for Parents, Teachers, and Friends
by Laura Matanah
“I didn’t know my parents were lesbians, and I was totally caught by surprise when I got to middle school and people teased me about it,” said one of the participants in a COLAGE panel at the Rainbow Families conference.
“Did you call them both mom?” asked an audience member, clearly confused as to how someone raised by two moms could be caught by surprise in this way.
“Yes, but they never said they were lesbians, and I didn’t know.”
I had heard people talk about the importance of coming out to your kids, but until hearing this woman’s story, I hadn’t truly understood. I mean, if we’re same-sex parents raising kids, aren’t we out? But if we’re single, bi, or trans, how does our orientation affect our children?
The conversation in the workshop brought me back to a conversation I had at a Pride festival with two kids who were best friends, were roughly nine years old, and both had single lesbian moms. I asked them, “How do you feel if someone says something bad about gay or lesbian people?”
“What do you mean?” they asked.
“Like, if someone says, ‘That’s so gay,’” I said.
“She says, ‘That’s so gay,’ all the time!” responded one of the girls.
“You say it too!” said the other.
The mothers looked embarrassed. “We haven’t really talked about it,” one of them explained.
If we want children to first hear the words “lesbian,” “gay,” “bisexual,” and “transgender” in a positive context, we had better make sure that we’re providing the context and that we talk with children starting in preschool. Whether you are a parent, teacher, or friend, you may want to ask yourself the following questions:
(1) Do the children in my life hear me using the words “lesbian,” “gay,” “bisexual,” and “transgender”?
(2) Am I sharing media with the children in my life (like Rainbow Rumpus stories and comics) that reflect LGBT-headed families?
(3) Have I told the children in my life that some people believe same-sex relationships are wrong and that to be a man or a woman you have to act in certain ways? Have I prepared the children in my life for a time when they hear someone put down lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender people?
(4) Have I told the children in my life that LGBT people don’t have all the same rights as heterosexual people?
This sounds like a lot to dump on kids, doesn’t it? Remember, those are the questions for you, the adult. Conversations with children should take place over time, in natural contexts, and, for kids growing up in LGBT-headed homes, in a way that respects the child’s own coming-out journey.
In school settings, children need to decide for themselves when and how they want to come out. You can support your child or student by helping him or her think about how “out” he or she wants to be. If you’re a teacher, you can do all of the steps below regardless of whether or not a student with LGBT parents wishes to talk about his or her family structure.
Here are some ways to start conversations with kids:
(1) Share lots of stories about kids with LGBT parents. Use these as an opportunity to introduce the words “lesbian,” “gay,” “bisexual,” and “transgender”. Discuss the many other themes the stories explore as well. See these examples: “With Friends Like These” by Heather Klassen and Rosen’Blue and Sassafras. You can find links to more stories and comics at the bottom of each page.
(2) Share a story where someone is uncomfortable with a character’s sexual orientation or identity. For example, on teasing, “Pick-a-Pair-’o-Parents” by Kim Gerber, and on identity, “Lost and Found” by Mike Huber. Ask, “Have you ever heard someone get teased for having two moms or two dads?” or “Have you ever heard someone get teased because people thought they didn’t seem like a girl or a boy?” Follow up with an open-ended question such as, “What was that like for you?” See if your child felt confident in responding to the situation and, if not, if he or she would like to practice handling such situations with you.
(3) If you are a lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender parent, make sure to talk with your children about current events involving LGBT rights. Emphasize your child’s safety, explain the way the laws affect your family, and share ways that you can positively respond (such as contacting legislators or writing letters to the editor). Follow your child’s lead as to how involved he or she wants to be, and let him or her know that you’ll make sure the family has all the protections it needs. This is another situation in which you want your child to hear about the debates from you in a safe context, rather than from others. For example, see “What Does Marriage Mean?” by Erika Lewis.
Following these steps can make you a powerful ally of youth growing up in LGBT-headed homes.
